Previous story : Beyond the Borderline - Hiroshi Ohuchi welcomed us and Janet called us "Angels".-
Page of Swords & The High Priestess, vol.14
First of all, I must first tell you the following today. I am going to tell you about various events and incidents in my husband Masato Shiraishi's past and the traumas, sexual complexes, etc. that stem from them. I have permission from my husband to tell you this story. We learned the following from our mentor and great benefactor, Hiroshi Ohuchi.
To love is to share, and to share is to love.
My husband Masato and I have decided that if it helps anyone, we will share what we have learned, lessons learned, and wisdom we have gained through our lives, using actual life events and incidents that have happened to us as helpful examples. It is with that intention that I have shared my life story with you, both before and today.
Well, Saturday, September 10, 2005, had arrived. The day has come for the "Peace of Mind Workshop" by Hiroshi Ohuchi and Janet.
Between 12:00 and 13:00 was the time for participants to enter the venue, the "Minuet" banquet hall, but we had an early lunch and entered the venue at 12:00. To give them souvenirs.
We left Hawaii in such a hurry that we didn't have time to sift through the souvenirs for them, but when we checked out the Sheraton Moana Surfrider, there was an elderly lady making lei with a table right by the front desk, so I bought two lei for the neck from her anyway.
Lei are Hawaiian ornaments worn on the head, neck, and shoulders, and are made from fresh flowers, shells, feathers, fruits, and shark teeth. But what she was making was thick green yarn in a necklacelike ring, and then she sewed on the yarn a great number of thin white, light pink, and dark pink cotton yarns, one by one, to make it look like a flower lei. It had the advantage of not dying even if it was carried to Japan. Janet is actually from Hawaii, so she's familiar with lei. When we visited their beautiful home, I had inadvertently placed lei in a very difficult place in the Globe-Trotter carry case, so I couldn't give it to them. We got out of our room at 12:00 and gave lei to Hiroshi and Janet. Oh, how cute! Janet was particularly innocently pleased. They both immediately put lei around their necks and left it on for the entire two-day workshop.
Oh, yeah! We wore Ike Behar's Oxford button-down shirts to the "Peace of Mind Workshop". Of course he was blue and I was pink!
The Peace of Mind Workshop, which started at 13:00, was very new to us. A lot of unfamiliar terms were used. STAR SEED, Lightworker, Lemuria, My I AM Presence, Violet Flame.... The core of the knowledge was not "A Course In Miracles," but rather guided meditations and affirmations adopted from Ronna Herman's book that solidified the spiritual connection to the higher dimensional world and induced awakenings to recognize our pure and true selves. Ronna Herman is channeling Archangel Michael. Channeling is telepathic communication. Hiroshi Ohuchi translated many of Ronna Herman's works into Japanese. Ronna Herman now calls herself Ronna Vezane. In some cases, you'll find references to Ronna Herman Vezane here and there. The workshop participants were mostly readers of Ronna Herman's "On Wings of Light" and other books, and they didn't need to explain the terms. Masato and I were often confused, but at the end of the day, it was a practical workshop, so we frequently closed our eyes, did meditation guided by Hiroshi Ohuchi's voice, and were busy practicing the breathing technique called "Infinite Breathing," so we didn't have time to think we didn't understand or didn't understand.
By the way, Hiroshi Ohuchi seemed to want everyone to know the following.
The only thing to do in life is to forgive.
Forgiveness and gratitude are the most important and the most difficult. He said so many times. At that time, the Japanese translation of "A Course In Miracles" was not available in Japan. There are now three major translations, one of which was later translated and released by Hiroshi Ohuchi. So on September 10, 2005, "A Course In Miracles" was unfamiliar to "Peace of Mind Workshop" attendees. The famous "A Course In Miracles" teacher Marianne Williamson's book "A Return to Love" was translated by Hiroshi Ohuchi. "A Return to Love" was probably the most familiar reference to "A Course In Miracles" for the workshop participants. Still, Hiroshi Ohuchi occasionally uttered words from "A Course In Miracles".
Do you prefer that you be right or happy?
This is a very famous word. Hiroshi Ohuchi subtly inserted this phrase into his explanation of the importance of "Forgiveness". We always insist on our rightness, but then we always become unhappy. Because we feel unhappy, we insist on rightness. "A Course In Miracles" is a book that teaches us thoroughly that happiness and rightness are incompatible.
Well, we're on our second break of the day. It was 16:15. During this 15 minute break, Hiroshi Ohuchi came to my husband.
Mr. Shiraishi, if you are a DJ of FM radio, are you used to speaking in public to some extent? If you don't mind, at 16:30 after the break, can you share the story of "Pretend to Forgive" with everyone here? To love is to share, and to share is to love. Why don't you share your love with us?
Masato asked if it was okay to be long. Isn't it going to be out of schedule?
Ego plans are often changed by Angels and Holy Spirit. And it's always for the best. Do you prefer that you be right or happy? I choose happiness, but what do you do?
I'd rather be happy. Masato decided to share his experience in front of all the workshop participants. Each of our seats that day were made of folding tables arranged in a U-shape with corners right angles. He walked into the U-shape and stood and spoke. In short, he talked to us surrounded by us.
I am Masato Shiraishi, the DJ in charge of a program introducing Oriental rare groove music on FM radio in New York. No, I quit the show very recently, so I'm a former DJ to be exact. I first read the book translated by Mr. Ohuchi in Honolulu earlier this week, and now I'm here. Thank you for changing everyone's schedule. I'm glad you could give me time to talk.
I grew up in Kyoto. I was born in Hokkaido, but I moved to Kyoto when I was in the second year of elementary school. Now I'm going to tell you about when I was 25 to 26 years old. At that time, I was a sales representative at a local midsize general contractor in Kyoto.
On August 28, 1988, I went to a concert by Akina Nakamori, who had come to Osaka Welfare Pension Hall for her concert tour of "Femme Fatale".
Because of my profession, I remember these details. Excuse me. It doesn't matter what the date is or where the concert is held. I went to that concert with my first girlfriend. We enjoyed the concert very much, even though she didn't sing my favorite songs, "KIN-KU (Closed Area)", "North Wing," "Southern Wind," "The Ten Commandments (1984)," or "NANPA SEN (Shipwreck)." So, we went to a " Love-Hotel (hot-pillow hotel)" in Namba with the passion of youth. But I couldn't. Actually, I have a sexual complex and I'm afraid of being touched or seen naked. To be honest with you, I still have no experience with sex.
I was severely abused by my classmates from the second grade to the sixth grade in elementary school. The abuse started the day after I changed schools. I was beaten and kicked by them. My things were destroyed. My shirt was scribbled on my back. When I entered the bathroom, water was poured from above.
I was pushed on the stairs and almost pushed off. In sixth grade, the abuse ended when I beat the head of one of them to the blackboard and made him cry. I mimicked Pro Wrestlers hitting their opponents' heads against the iron pillars on the four corners of the ring.
However, the aftereffects of the abuse still continue. The serious thing is the sexual complex. One time I was taken off my pants and made a "Full Monty". Everyone in the class pointed at me and laughed. The girls laughed. At that time, my homeroom teacher came into the classroom. He told me.
Shiraishi! Don't swing that weird ugly thing hanging around your crotch! Put it away quickly!
It made me realize and recognize my private parts as ugly….
A few days before the incident, my father invited me to take a bath with him. Then he sat in the bathchair and stood me in front of him. And he looked at my private parts very carefully and touched them a little. I thought his manner strange, so I asked him, "What are you doing?." My father said the following. I have something on my mind. From my father's words and actions, the laughter of my classmates, and the words of my homeroom teacher, "weird ugly thing," I understood that my private parts were a terrible shape, different from others. And I was very fat at the time, which made my appearance a constant factor of ridicule. So, I became terribly afraid of being seen naked. I'm afraid of being touched.
So, I left her alone that day and ran away from the "Love-Hotel (hot-pillow hotel)". So, I hurt her badly. From that day on, she started hurting herself. She was a clerk in the Japanese confectionery section of a department store in Kyoto. After work, she went dancing to the Maharaja disco in Gion, where she hit it off with a stranger and made love. Every time, she seems to have made love with a different stranger. We sometimes met and dated. I couldn't make love to her, and I didn't realize she was making love to multiple guys.
The following year, on February 12 and 13th of 1989, I enjoyed the performance of the American artist Prince who came to Osaka Castle Hall for the "Lovesexy Tour" by myself.
By the way, no musician is more important to me than Prince. So, I was still feeling happy the next day, but after seeing her for a long time, she asked me to break up with her. The reason was that she was pregnant with a child whose father she didn't know, so she would give birth to the child and raise him/her alone. I certainly couldn't have sex with her, but I was willing to marry her. Because I thought I would never get a chance to marry again. So, I was shocked….
That night, when I was depressed, my mother asked why. It is right to break up with such an indecent woman. Someone better will come to you. I think my mother's words are quite common sense. But instead of agreeing with her advice, I told my mother about a sexual complex I had been hiding for years. So, it's not easy for me to think that I can marry someone. But my mother asked me not about my sexual complex, but about the shape of my private parts. Is that really a weird shape? I explained it specifically. By then, I was actually aware that my testicles were different from people's. In other words, the testicles are far up, hidden in the body, and the two balls are invisible from the outside. When I go to "Sen-Tou (public bath)", there are people who seem to walk around with pride and pride in the size of their private parts, but when I see them, I feel pathetic. I only have the middle stick. That's why I hate "Sen-Tou".
I explained it to my mother. Then my mother told me to go to the doctor right away. Maybe you can't have a child. And in fact, the doctor's opinion matched my mother's. My testicles don't make sperm. It was shocking, but the doctor said something that made me despair even more.
Your testicles don't sit in the pouch, and because they're up there, they don't grow into adult genitalia and don't produce sperm. In these cases, sperm can be produced without problems if the testicles are placed in a pouch after surgery before the development of secondary sexual characteristics. It's not a difficult operation. Your parents were probably told this by the doctor, but why did you grow up without surgery?
I lost the ability to have children because of my parents. That's what the doctor said. I have something on my mind. It was then that I realized why my father was looking at my private parts and worrying about something that day. I told my mother about that. To be precise, I told my stepmother. My birth mother died of breast cancer when I was 9 years old. And four months after my mother died, my father had an arranged marriage. My father remarried because he had trouble raising me and my sister, who was six years older than me, on his own. It was my stepmother who told me to go to the doctor. So she didn't know the condition of my testicles. By that time, my father was the only one who knew about the situation.
That father was in the hospital at that time. It was December 1977, but my father had a cerebral infarction which seemed to be a complication of diabetes and underwent a craniotomy. After that, my father was in and out of the hospital repeatedly. The hospitalization in 1989 would be my father's last, but I boycotted his care out of hatred and stopped going to the hospital. My sister had already left home to work, so for many years my stepmother and I worked together to care for my father. I quit that. It's not Akina Nakamori's song "NANPA SEN (Shipwreck)," but I spent six months in a state of mind as if I had sunk to the bottom of the deep sea. Of course, I went to work, but since I didn't have the talent for sales, I didn't feel motivated when I went to sales, so I just spent a day drinking tea at a coffee shop. Those were the days.
One day, however, the thought "This is not going to open my life. Nothing is going to get better because nothing is going to get better." suddenly entered my mind. That's why I decided to take care of my father by pretending to forgive him, even though I couldn't forgive him and my deceased mother. I silently resumed caring for my father and went to the hospital. But my father never apologized, so we never talked. A few days later, his left leg was amputated due to gangrene, and he began living with a prosthetic leg.
After leaving the hospital, I assisted my father in various ways, such as assisting him in putting on and taking off his prosthetic legs, and taking off his pants and bathing him. As he did so, our conversation, which had disappeared, returned somewhat. My father became reasonably well, and once he walked in front of me and my stepmother without crutches and with only a prosthetic leg. I didn't really forgive him, so I could have said it was "Peace", like fake. However, we certainly enjoyed many meals with laughter. And the next year, 1990, on the morning of February 4, my father died. It was a peaceful death. My stepmother and I were relieved when the long hard days were over….
Soon, my stepmother started working as an insurance solicitor and hurried into her next life. So, what do I do? I am afraid of men and women if I tell the truth. We had a dog named Caron.
She was my best friend, but Caron died on May 5. I was left alone. I can't feel the meaning of life….
On September 2, Prince came to Hanshin Koshien Stadium for the "Nude Tour" and gave a performance, and I watched it alone.
I thought about my life while watching the concert. At the 1985 American Music Awards, Prince and then-backing band The Revolution won "Favorite Pop Album." As I watched the concert, I was thinking about the content of his speech of joy and gratitude at the time of the award.
For all of us, life is death without adventure, and adventure only comes to those who are willing to be daring and take chances.
That's true. I have to try a new adventure.
So I started thinking about taking the plunge and changing my environment and starting a new life. Let's go to America where no one knows me. I used to have to pay for my father's hospital treatment, but now I'm going to save money, so let's save money and go to America where I like Funk music. Let's make a Funk band in America. I'm going to be a drummer in a Funk band! I retired at the end of March 1992, and after watching Prince's "Diamonds And Pearls Tour" at Tokyo Dome on April 3 and 4, I really went to New York.
In the 90s, I couldn't be a drummer in a Funk band because the form of band itself wasn't popular in Black Music, but I had a happy time as a radio DJ introducing my favorite music. I was poor, but I was happy. In terms of Japanese music, I can't think of any other radio DJ besides myself who has introduced New Yorkers to Akina Nakamori. Only I introduced "Charamela Soba Restaurant" by Hibari Misora, as well as Dick Mine, Toriro Miki, Haruo Minami, Momoe Yamaguchi, Kenji Sawada, Hiromi Go, Seiko Matsuda and Kyoko Koizumi.…
I don't know for sure, but I think that because I pretended to be love, as Thomas says in James F. Twyman's book "Thomas Messages - The Psychic Children Speaks to the World," I could have made it to America. Mr. Ohuchi, Janet, when you found out about Rei's situation, you both didn't think it was best, but you started pretending it was best? I probably did what you did. If I didn't pretend to forgive him at that time, my father wouldn't be able to apologize even though he regretted it, and we would just have painful memories of each other. We couldn't understand each other. However, it was a relief to me that my father died without much pain. At that time, my stepmother also blamed my father for not allowing me to operate. My father yelled at my stepmother. Shut up! If I had not pretended to forgive my father, they would have remained in a foul mood. If that happened, she might have felt like her stepmother had wasted her life. So that's why I'm glad I pretended to forgive my father….
Masato was crying at the end. I was very shocked. I certainly didn't know anything about him. First of all, I was shocked by the harshness of the "IJIME/Bullying" he was subjected to. I told you that I was bullied in the form of "Ignored" after summer vacation in my first year of middle school, and it continued until I graduated. As for actual damage, the track and field club members broke SONY 's "WALKMAN" and a cassette tape containing Madonna's songs, but I was not physically harmed. How did he endure harsh abuse from his classmates? Then I was shocked by his relationship with his parents. I was shocked that some parents would not allow their son to undergo important surgery even though he might not be able to have children. Why his parents didn't let him have surgery remains a mystery. Later, he told me his view that his childhood family was probably too poor to afford surgery.
But I was probably convinced at this time that this man was right for my husband. I thought he was a wonderful man. I felt like I would never have been able to endure the same life that he had, the same experiences that he had. I sobbed and cried. Janet came up to me and hugged me. Hiroshi Ohuchi went to Masato's side. And he said to Masato as follows:
Thank you for sharing, Mr. Shiraishi. This is exactly what your life is about. It's Love and Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the only thing any of us should work on in life. You have worked on forgiveness and will continue to do so, right? You didn't just pretend to forgive. You have forgiven. The Holy Spirit worked for you because you decided to forgive.
This workshop had some basic conventions. For example, drinking a lot of water. Or that you don't have to believe all the information you're given. One of them is that when we want to clap, we don't clap our hands, we clap in sign language. Hold our hands up, turn our wrists, and flutter our hands. For Masato, all the participants in the workshop clapped in sign language. Then Janet, who was hugging me, came up to Masato this time.
Never forget it. You are an angel on earth.
When she said that to Masato, he collapsed into Janet's chest. He had just said that he was afraid of being touched, but when Janet hugged him, he broke down in tears with a look of relief on his face. This is what happened at the "Peace of Mind Workshop" on the first day. I talked to you for quite a long time today. Are you tired? Thank you so much for listening. I appreciate it very much.
But let me go on just a little bit longer. I apologized deeply when I was alone with him at night. I apologized for forcibly kissing him at a church in Honolulu. He was probably terrified. But he comforted me in my depression by saying the following:
No, I was surprised, but I had no time for fear. But I'm glad you're my first kiss. Thank you very much.
I thought I needed to talk about my own sexual experiences. I told Masato about Barry Epstein.
I don't have much experience with sex either. I only had one boyfriend, and that was for a very short time. I stayed with the Green family in Billings, Montana, and was in high school when I befriended a white male classmate. His name was Barry Epstein. I went fly fishing with him, ate the trout we caught, and played a lot of fun in the great outdoors. Just before I went back to Japan, we went to a dance party full of 50s R&B, Doo-Wop and Rock 'n' Roll. You definitely know Doo-Wop's The Moonglows, The Penguins and The Meadowlarks. Listening to things like "Ten Commandments Of Love" by The Moonglows gave us a romantic feeling, and as soon as the dance was over, we went to an out-of-town motel with excitement. And I made love to him. We hurriedly undressed each other, hurriedly touched each other's bodies, and then it was over immediately, so it didn't feel good, but it wasn't a bad memory. I simply had sex with him. My love affair with him ended naturally because I returned to Japan. After that, I was so obsessed with just being successful in business that I didn't need a boyfriend, so of course, I didn't have sex with anyone. I've been asked to get married a few times, but, uh, I've refused all of them. Maybe I was afraid of sex too. I kissed Barry a few times. But I'm pretty much a beginner, too. We don't know whether sex is nice or not. Someday, when our feelings match, I might make love to you. That might be nice.
Then he said the following.
It's no surprise that songs like "Ten Commandments Of Love" and "Sincerely" by The Moonglows made you and Barry feel romantic. That's interesting. I love Prince, and you're a big Madonna fan. They were the musicians who did the most to open up people's repressed sexuality in the '80s. In fact, Prince even has a song called "Sexuality".
But we're not sexually liberated. So, one day, if I want to make love with you, I'll play Madonna and Prince's duet song "Love Song," and you can say yes or no.
I replied as follows. Hmm, I don't think that's such a good idea. That song had these lyrics, didn't it? This is not a love song that I want to sing.
Continued story :Like a Prayer - I couldn't even pray because I kept crying. -
©Mitsuhiro Toda@Screenwriter Group Aquariusera
